This America Day in History

-1776: Many future presidents sign the Declaration of Independence.
-1804: Thomas Jefferson unintentionally changes history when he reveals to Aaron Burr that Alexander Hamilton was the one who sprayed the “Burr’s a douchebag” graffiti on the walls of the Capitol building
-1820: James Monroe accidentally sets Vice President Daniel D. Tompkins’s house on fire with poorly-constructed homemade fireworks. (Monroe would never confess to it, though he always promised Tompkins that he would “find those British tomfoolers who undoubtedly perpetrated the crime…undoubtedly.”)
-1825: John Q. Adams drunkenly calls up the king of England asking, “Baby, can’t we give this thing another try?” before being hung up on. He then cried, vomited, cried into his vomit, and passed out on his couch holding a map of the British Isles and a light beer.
-1829: Andrew Jackson does some crazy shit.
-1830: Andrew Jackson does some crazy shit.
-1831: Andrew Jackson does some crazy shit.
-1832: Andrew Jackson does some crazy shit.
-1833: Andrew Jackson does some crazy shit.
-1834: Andrew Jackson takes a nap because he has a migraine, yet still manages to shoot someone.
-1835: Andrew Jackson does some crazy shit.
-1836: Andrew Jackson does some crazy shit.
-1837: Andrew Jackson does some crazy shit after breaking into the White House to party with Martin Van Buren.
-1856: Franklin Pierce sets the record for most ladies ever brought back to the White House after a night on the town.
-1858: James Buchanan sets the record for most men ever brought back to the White House after a night on the town.
-1869: Ulysses S. Grant has some friends over to celebrate. They end up staying for eight years.
-1882: Chester A. Arthur wonders why the hell he’s president.
-1898: William McKinley, fulfilling a promise to the US Army, shaves his body and eats a bug for winning the Spanish-American War.
-1901 to 1908: Theodore Roosevelt does things that are so awesome, manly, and patriotic, Congress officially changes the name of the day Teddy Roosevelt Is Awesome Day.
-1913: Woodrow Wilson hangs out with some Civil War veterans, hoping to hear extraordinary war stories. He is slightly disappointed when he is told he’s the one that has to give a talk, not the veterans.
-1929: Herbert Hoover renames Teddy Roosevelt Is Awesome Day by signing the the July 4 Name Act. This is widely regarded as the worst thing Hoover did during his administration.
-1934: Franklin Roosevelt tries to distract the nation from the Great Depression by ski-jumping over a shark. For a day, the country rebounds, but the prosperity quickly ends when someone points out he was sitting in a chair the whole time.
-1967: Lyndon Johnson thinks the fireworks outside are getting a little too close to the White House.
-1979: Jimmy Carter is horrifyingly embarrassed by his brother Billy, who insists on drinking heavily. He stops drinking soon after he passes out on the White House lawn. There were hundreds of witnesses, and the Washington Post reported there were “cans of Billy Beer and peanut shells littering the White House lawn for a day and a half, at which point the president’s brother regained consciousness and urinated on a tree.”
-1982: Ronald Reagan watches Star Wars; he doesn’t get it, but he likes the title.
-1990: George H.W. Bush scolds and then grounds VP Dan Quayle for playing fireworks.
-1996: Bill Clinton has a barbecue with all his rowdy friends. Somehow, a slip-and-slide ends up in a tree. This would remain there for the remainder of his presidency.