How to Celebrate Presidents’ Birthdays, Part 2

Today, we continue with our look at how and when to celebrate the birthdays of presidents who aren’t Lincoln or Washington.

July 11 – John Quincy Adams: Spread some rumors about the wife of the guy at work you don’t like.
July 14 – Gerald Ford: Tackle a Heisman winner.
August 10 – Herbert Hoover: Talk to your kids about the Hawley-Smoot Tariff.
August 19 – Bill Clinton: Be cool, man, just be cool.
August 20 – Benjamin Harrison: Enjoy the creme from some Oreos (or other comparable sandwich cookies).
August 27 – Lyndon B. Johnson: Get yourself some new tailored pants.
September 15 – William Howard Taft: Bust something large.
Ocotber 1 – Jimmy Carter: Peanut party! (With plenty of salt.)
October 4 – Rutherford B. Hayes: Make a compromise if you have the opportunity to.
October 5 – Chester A. Arthur: Shots!
October 14 – Dwight D. Eisenhower: Go to the beach.
October 27 – Theodore Roosevelt: Be a man all over the place.
October 30 – John Adams: Dress up as a lawyer and defend some Englishmen against public opinion.
November 2 – (Two options) James K. Polk: Discuss your property lines with your neighbors. Warren G. Harding: Abstain from drinking for a while, but sneak some when no one’s looking.
November 19 – James A. Garfield: Do some curls, play some football.
November 23 – Franklin Pierce: Look great, but make terrible decisions.
November 24 – Zachary Taylor: Cherries and milk for everyone!
December 5 – Martin van Buren: Grow some distinctive facial hair and talk about Andrew Jackson.
December 28 – Woodrow Wilson: Settle an argument between some friends.
December 29 – Andrew Johnson: Rebuild part of your house.

Presidents Who Presided before the Invention of Modern Toilet Paper

Presumably, these presidents never benefitted from modern toilet paper, invented in 1857. Think about it.

-George Washington*
-John Adams*
-Thomas Jefferson*
-James Monroe*
-James Madison*
-John Quincy Adams*
-Andrew Jackson*
-Martin Van Buren
-William Henry Harrison*
-John Tyler
-James K. Polk*
-Zachary Taylor*
-Millard Fillmore
-Franklin Pierce

*died prior to 1857

Don’t Blame Me, I Voted For…

-Don’t blame me, I voted for John Adams (1789 and 1792)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Thomas Jefferson (1796)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Aaron Burr (1800)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Charles Cotesworth Pinckney (1804 and 1808)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for DeWitt Clinton (1812)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Rufus King (1816)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for John Quincy Adams (1820 and 1828)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Andrew Jackson (1824)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Henry Clay (1832 and 1844)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for William Henry Harrison (1836)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Martin van Buren (1840)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Lewis Cass (1848)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Winfield Scott (1852)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for John C. Frémont (1856)
-Good thing I didn’t vote for John C. Breckinridge, John Bell, Stephen Douglas (1860), or George McClellan (1864)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Horatio Seymour (1868)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Horace Greeley (1872)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Samuel J. Tilden (1876)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Winfield Scott Hancock (1880)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for James G. Blaine (1884)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Grover Cleveland (1888)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Benjamin Harrison (1892)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for William Jennings Bryan (1892, 1900, and 1908)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Alton B. Parker (1904)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Teddy Roosevelt (1912)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Charles Evans Hughes (1916)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for James M. Cox (1920)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for John W. Davis (1924)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Al Smith (1928)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Herbert Hoover (1932)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Alf Landon (1936)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Wendell Willkie (1940)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Thomas E. Dewey (1944 and 1948)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Adlai Stevenson (1952 and 1956)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Richard Nixon (1960)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Barry Goldwater (1964)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Hubert H. Humphrey (1968)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for…uh, George McGovern…nevermind (1972)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Gerald Ford (1976)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Jimmy Carter (1980)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Walter Mondale (1984)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Michael Dukakis (1988)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for George HW Bush (1992)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Bob Dole…Bob Dole Bob Dole Bob Dole (1996)

Presidents who Stole Your Girlfriend

-John Quincy Adams (had a swimmer’s body)
-Franklin Pierce (did it because he could)
-James Buchanan (it was an accident)
-James A. Garfield (let his biceps do the talking)
-Calvin Coolidge (it’s always the quiet ones)
-Bill Clinton (well, duh)

Great Presidential Quotes #3

“Independence forever!”

- John Quincy Adams, barely clothed, running through the streets on the 4th of July.

Presidents who Never Existed

-William Henry Taft
-John Fitzy Adams
-Warren G. Hoover
-Dwight Delano Roosenhower
-Zachary Tyler
-John Taylor
-Chester Alan Alda

A Selection of Presidents who Dislike this Blog

-John Quincy Adams (“Jackson is hardly as cool as he’s portrayed.”)
-James Buchanan (“This journal is not a good thing, however I find myself powerless to stop it.”)
-John F. Kennedy (“I, er uh, was not mentioned in this blog ’til a year after it started.”)
-Millard Fillmore (he’s just a dick)

Presidential Rankings Based on Google Search Results

Here’s an interesting bit of information: the following list is how the presidents are ranked based on the number of results returned on Google for the search term “president x” where x equals the president’s first and last name. There are definitely some surprises (11.5 million for John Tyler?) and some not-so-surprises (Lincoln, Washington, Kennedy in the top 10).

Also, these results are just for those presidents no longer living. Clinton’s 25-million+ would have skewed the rankings, and we would not want that. Why? There’s so much more we can do with this information. Check LP tomorrow and see.

(accessed April 12-13, 2010)

1. Abraham Lincoln … 22.8 million
2. George Washington … 22.6 million
3. Thomas Jefferson … 15.7 million
4. Andrew Jackson … 16 million
5. James Madison … 15.8 million
6. Franklin D. Roosevelt … 13.5 million*
7. Andrew Johnson … 13.2 million
8. John F. Kennedy … 13 million**
9. John Tyler … 11.5 million
10. Theodore Roosevelt … 6.72 million***
11. Woodrow Wilson … 5.57 million
12. Dwight D. Eisenhower … 5.4 million
13. Richard Nixon … 4.37 million
14. James Knox Polk … 4.17 million
15. James Monroe … 3.71 million
16. Ronald Reagan … 3.19 million
17. Lyndon Johnson … 2.8 million
18. James Buchanan … 2.37 million
19. John Adams … 2.23 million
20. Benjamin Harrison … 2.17 million
21. Gerald Ford … 2.08 million
22. Herbert Hoover … 2.08 million
23. John Quincy Adams … 2 million
24. Franklin Pierce … 1.96 million
25. Zachary Taylor … 1.52 million
26. William Henry Harrison … 1.46 million
27. James Garfield … 1.37 million
28. William McKinley … 1.3 million
29. Ulysses S. Grant … 1.27 million
30. Grover Cleveland … 1.21 million
31. Harry S Truman … 1.18 million
32. Martin van Buren … 952,000
33. William Howard Taft … 868,000
34. Calvin Coolidge … 864,000
35. Warren G. Harding … 804,000
36. Rutherford B. Hayes … 539,000
37. Chester A. Arthur … 301,000****
38. Millard Fillmore … 254,000

*as Franklin Delano Roosevelt
** as John Kennedy
***as Teddy Roosevelt
****as Chester Arthur

Bands Featuring Presidents

-Care to Duel (Andrew Jackson)
-John Quincy Adams and the Alligators
-World War Fun (Woodrow Wilson)
-Lou Reed and the Primitives (Dwight Eisenhower on violin and bass)

Original research submitted by Clustence P. Blatz.

John Quincy Adams’s Short-Lived Craze

It is well documented and known that John Quincy Adams enjoyed swimming naked in the Potomac River in the morning, but what’s not well known is that for a brief time, skinny-dipping alone became a national craze–practically an epidemic. There was even a time when telling someone you were going to “swim an Adams” meant you would be ridding yourself of people and clothes to swim in a local river or lake. However fun this may have been, it was also very scandalous. The Adams expression was used only in the closest of friends (and only rarely in that company), and telling anyone that you skinny dipped was seen as utterly scandalous, fitting in with the general feelings of the time. As a result, people rarely admitted to swimming an Adams, and thus it is commonly forgotten today.