How to Celebrate Presidents’ Birthdays, Part 2

Today, we continue with our look at how and when to celebrate the birthdays of presidents who aren’t Lincoln or Washington.

July 11 – John Quincy Adams: Spread some rumors about the wife of the guy at work you don’t like.
July 14 – Gerald Ford: Tackle a Heisman winner.
August 10 – Herbert Hoover: Talk to your kids about the Hawley-Smoot Tariff.
August 19 – Bill Clinton: Be cool, man, just be cool.
August 20 – Benjamin Harrison: Enjoy the creme from some Oreos (or other comparable sandwich cookies).
August 27 – Lyndon B. Johnson: Get yourself some new tailored pants.
September 15 – William Howard Taft: Bust something large.
Ocotber 1 – Jimmy Carter: Peanut party! (With plenty of salt.)
October 4 – Rutherford B. Hayes: Make a compromise if you have the opportunity to.
October 5 – Chester A. Arthur: Shots!
October 14 – Dwight D. Eisenhower: Go to the beach.
October 27 – Theodore Roosevelt: Be a man all over the place.
October 30 – John Adams: Dress up as a lawyer and defend some Englishmen against public opinion.
November 2 – (Two options) James K. Polk: Discuss your property lines with your neighbors. Warren G. Harding: Abstain from drinking for a while, but sneak some when no one’s looking.
November 19 – James A. Garfield: Do some curls, play some football.
November 23 – Franklin Pierce: Look great, but make terrible decisions.
November 24 – Zachary Taylor: Cherries and milk for everyone!
December 5 – Martin van Buren: Grow some distinctive facial hair and talk about Andrew Jackson.
December 28 – Woodrow Wilson: Settle an argument between some friends.
December 29 – Andrew Johnson: Rebuild part of your house.

Presidents who Never Existed

-William Henry Taft
-John Fitzy Adams
-Warren G. Hoover
-Dwight Delano Roosenhower
-Zachary Tyler
-John Taylor
-Chester Alan Alda

Most Popular Phrases Overheard during the Arthur Administration

-”What?”
-”Oh god, I’m president??”
-”Let’s pour one out for ol’ James.”
-”Mr. President? [long pause] That’s you, Mr. Arthur.”
-”I think Chester’s a fine name, thank you very much.”

Presidents’ Favorite Things to Grill

Dwight Eisenhower: hamburgers, hot dogs

Bill Clinton: chicken, boca sausages

Woodrow Wilson: pineapple, corn on the cob

Chester Alan Arthur: steak

Theodore Roosevelt*: zebra, moose

William Taft: anything

*Only grilled animals that he killed

Happy America Day 2010: Presidents’ Favorite America Day Pastimes

Once again, in honor of America Day, also known as Independence Day or Separation Sunday, LP looks back at those great moments associated with the day. This year, we present the favorite July 4th holiday pastimes of our most-esteemed presidents.

-George Washington: created makeshift pinatas of various British officers and threw Brit-bashing parties
-Thomas Jefferson: bought some property
-Andrew Jackson: in alternating years, he would either duel or invite the entire state of Tennessee to the White House for a party, consistently during which several pillars from the presidential mansion would go missing only to be found in various places around Washington (1829: the Potomac, 1831: O’Malley’s Tavern, 1835: in front of Congress)
-William Henry Harrison: would normally breathe
-Abraham Lincoln: would light fireworks off from his top hat
-Ulysses S. Grant: annually stopped laying siege to Vicksburg (after annually laying siege to Vicksburg a few months before hand)
-James A. Garfield: played some tackle football on the White House lawn, then some baseball, then he’d strap on some blades and play high-contact roller hockey in the White House Roller Hockey Rink (which he had installed), and then finish the day with a best-of-seven street-rules basketball series and a lemonade
-Chester A. Arthur: took a shot and toasted himself
-Theodore Roosevelt: did things so amazingly manly and awesome that to reprint them would be an affront to the Roosevelt estate, and even a mention of such things warrants an apology (those being the circumstances, the letter is in the mail)
-William Howard Taft: shifted in his seat
-Warren G. Harding: went to Toronto one year (it was ok)
-Herbert Hoover: lit his cigar with $100 bills
-Dwight D. Eisenhower: liked to add or take away a star on the flag each year to see if anyone would notice
-Jimmy Carter: celebrated the Fourth the traditional Georgia way, with peanuts and an ATV
-Ronald Reagan: would draw his face on $10 bills
-Bill Clinton: cannot remember

Presidential Rankings Based on Google Search Results

Here’s an interesting bit of information: the following list is how the presidents are ranked based on the number of results returned on Google for the search term “president x” where x equals the president’s first and last name. There are definitely some surprises (11.5 million for John Tyler?) and some not-so-surprises (Lincoln, Washington, Kennedy in the top 10).

Also, these results are just for those presidents no longer living. Clinton’s 25-million+ would have skewed the rankings, and we would not want that. Why? There’s so much more we can do with this information. Check LP tomorrow and see.

(accessed April 12-13, 2010)

1. Abraham Lincoln … 22.8 million
2. George Washington … 22.6 million
3. Thomas Jefferson … 15.7 million
4. Andrew Jackson … 16 million
5. James Madison … 15.8 million
6. Franklin D. Roosevelt … 13.5 million*
7. Andrew Johnson … 13.2 million
8. John F. Kennedy … 13 million**
9. John Tyler … 11.5 million
10. Theodore Roosevelt … 6.72 million***
11. Woodrow Wilson … 5.57 million
12. Dwight D. Eisenhower … 5.4 million
13. Richard Nixon … 4.37 million
14. James Knox Polk … 4.17 million
15. James Monroe … 3.71 million
16. Ronald Reagan … 3.19 million
17. Lyndon Johnson … 2.8 million
18. James Buchanan … 2.37 million
19. John Adams … 2.23 million
20. Benjamin Harrison … 2.17 million
21. Gerald Ford … 2.08 million
22. Herbert Hoover … 2.08 million
23. John Quincy Adams … 2 million
24. Franklin Pierce … 1.96 million
25. Zachary Taylor … 1.52 million
26. William Henry Harrison … 1.46 million
27. James Garfield … 1.37 million
28. William McKinley … 1.3 million
29. Ulysses S. Grant … 1.27 million
30. Grover Cleveland … 1.21 million
31. Harry S Truman … 1.18 million
32. Martin van Buren … 952,000
33. William Howard Taft … 868,000
34. Calvin Coolidge … 864,000
35. Warren G. Harding … 804,000
36. Rutherford B. Hayes … 539,000
37. Chester A. Arthur … 301,000****
38. Millard Fillmore … 254,000

*as Franklin Delano Roosevelt
** as John Kennedy
***as Teddy Roosevelt
****as Chester Arthur

This America Day in History

-1776: Many future presidents sign the Declaration of Independence.
-1804: Thomas Jefferson unintentionally changes history when he reveals to Aaron Burr that Alexander Hamilton was the one who sprayed the “Burr’s a douchebag” graffiti on the walls of the Capitol building
-1820: James Monroe accidentally sets Vice President Daniel D. Tompkins’s house on fire with poorly-constructed homemade fireworks. (Monroe would never confess to it, though he always promised Tompkins that he would “find those British tomfoolers who undoubtedly perpetrated the crime…undoubtedly.”)
-1825: John Q. Adams drunkenly calls up the king of England asking, “Baby, can’t we give this thing another try?” before being hung up on. He then cried, vomited, cried into his vomit, and passed out on his couch holding a map of the British Isles and a light beer.
-1829: Andrew Jackson does some crazy shit.
-1830: Andrew Jackson does some crazy shit.
-1831: Andrew Jackson does some crazy shit.
-1832: Andrew Jackson does some crazy shit.
-1833: Andrew Jackson does some crazy shit.
-1834: Andrew Jackson takes a nap because he has a migraine, yet still manages to shoot someone.
-1835: Andrew Jackson does some crazy shit.
-1836: Andrew Jackson does some crazy shit.
-1837: Andrew Jackson does some crazy shit after breaking into the White House to party with Martin Van Buren.
-1856: Franklin Pierce sets the record for most ladies ever brought back to the White House after a night on the town.
-1858: James Buchanan sets the record for most men ever brought back to the White House after a night on the town.
-1869: Ulysses S. Grant has some friends over to celebrate. They end up staying for eight years.
-1882: Chester A. Arthur wonders why the hell he’s president.
-1898: William McKinley, fulfilling a promise to the US Army, shaves his body and eats a bug for winning the Spanish-American War.
-1901 to 1908: Theodore Roosevelt does things that are so awesome, manly, and patriotic, Congress officially changes the name of the day Teddy Roosevelt Is Awesome Day.
-1913: Woodrow Wilson hangs out with some Civil War veterans, hoping to hear extraordinary war stories. He is slightly disappointed when he is told he’s the one that has to give a talk, not the veterans.
-1929: Herbert Hoover renames Teddy Roosevelt Is Awesome Day by signing the the July 4 Name Act. This is widely regarded as the worst thing Hoover did during his administration.
-1934: Franklin Roosevelt tries to distract the nation from the Great Depression by ski-jumping over a shark. For a day, the country rebounds, but the prosperity quickly ends when someone points out he was sitting in a chair the whole time.
-1967: Lyndon Johnson thinks the fireworks outside are getting a little too close to the White House.
-1979: Jimmy Carter is horrifyingly embarrassed by his brother Billy, who insists on drinking heavily. He stops drinking soon after he passes out on the White House lawn. There were hundreds of witnesses, and the Washington Post reported there were “cans of Billy Beer and peanut shells littering the White House lawn for a day and a half, at which point the president’s brother regained consciousness and urinated on a tree.”
-1982: Ronald Reagan watches Star Wars; he doesn’t get it, but he likes the title.
-1990: George H.W. Bush scolds and then grounds VP Dan Quayle for playing fireworks.
-1996: Bill Clinton has a barbecue with all his rowdy friends. Somehow, a slip-and-slide ends up in a tree. This would remain there for the remainder of his presidency.

Presidents Named Chester A. Arthur

-Chester A. Arthur