Washington and Lincoln have their birthdays celebrated in February, but unbeknownst to most Americans is when and how to celebrate the birthdays of the other presidents. This handy list should fit perfectly on refrigerators or taped to calendars.
January 7 – Millard Fillmore: Be a dick to everyone.
January 9 – Richard Nixon: Plant a tree. Or, protect a tree if it’s too cold out.
January 29 – William McKinley: Annex a series of tiny islands.
January 30 – Franklin D. Roosevelt: Do something fun and keep at it.
February 6 – Ronald Reagan: Have a movie marathon. Or sell some weapons to an Iranian.
February 9 – William Henry Harrison: Plan something, but stop doing it way too early.
March 15 – Andrew Jackson: Do what you feel like.
March 16 – James Madison: Confirm the fact that your parents can’t claim you as a dependent anymore by attempting to take control of their shed.
March 18 – Grover Cleveland: Grill the biggest burgers you can find. Do that for lunch, take a break, then do it for dinner as well.
March 29 – John Tyler: Create the circumstances to have a grandchild alive 150 years after your death.
April 13 – Thomas Jefferson: Buy a significant portion of land from the French. Or get to know a black lady.
April 23 – James Buchanan: Pick a fight with some Mormons.
April 27 – Ulysses S. Grant: Spend time with friends.
April 28 – James Monroe: Have some good feelings.
May 8 – Harry S Truman: Do something unexpected of you.
May 29 – John F. Kennedy: Remember the moon.
June 12 – George HW Bush: Note that today is the only presidential birthday in June, find it slightly interesting, and then forget it.
July 4 – Calvin Coolidge: Typical Independence Day fare, just be very quiet about it.
