Archive for the 'Carter' Category

How to Celebrate Presidents’ Birthdays, Part 2

November 22, 2011

Today, we continue with our look at how and when to celebrate the birthdays of presidents who aren’t Lincoln or Washington.

July 11 – John Quincy Adams: Spread some rumors about the wife of the guy at work you don’t like.
July 14 – Gerald Ford: Tackle a Heisman winner.
August 10 – Herbert Hoover: Talk to your kids about the Hawley-Smoot Tariff.
August 19 – Bill Clinton: Be cool, man, just be cool.
August 20 – Benjamin Harrison: Enjoy the creme from some Oreos (or other comparable sandwich cookies).
August 27 – Lyndon B. Johnson: Get yourself some new tailored pants.
September 15 – William Howard Taft: Bust something large.
Ocotber 1 – Jimmy Carter: Peanut party! (With plenty of salt.)
October 4 – Rutherford B. Hayes: Make a compromise if you have the opportunity to.
October 5 – Chester A. Arthur: Shots!
October 14 – Dwight D. Eisenhower: Go to the beach.
October 27 – Theodore Roosevelt: Be a man all over the place.
October 30 – John Adams: Dress up as a lawyer and defend some Englishmen against public opinion.
November 2 – (Two options) James K. Polk: Discuss your property lines with your neighbors. Warren G. Harding: Abstain from drinking for a while, but sneak some when no one’s looking.
November 19 – James A. Garfield: Do some curls, play some football.
November 23 – Franklin Pierce: Look great, but make terrible decisions.
November 24 – Zachary Taylor: Cherries and milk for everyone!
December 5 – Martin van Buren: Grow some distinctive facial hair and talk about Andrew Jackson.
December 28 – Woodrow Wilson: Settle an argument between some friends.
December 29 – Andrew Johnson: Rebuild part of your house.

Don’t Blame Me, I Voted For…

August 25, 2011

-Don’t blame me, I voted for John Adams (1789 and 1792)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Thomas Jefferson (1796)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Aaron Burr (1800)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Charles Cotesworth Pinckney (1804 and 1808)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for DeWitt Clinton (1812)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Rufus King (1816)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for John Quincy Adams (1820 and 1828)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Andrew Jackson (1824)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Henry Clay (1832 and 1844)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for William Henry Harrison (1836)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Martin van Buren (1840)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Lewis Cass (1848)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Winfield Scott (1852)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for John C. Frémont (1856)
-Good thing I didn’t vote for John C. Breckinridge, John Bell, Stephen Douglas (1860), or George McClellan (1864)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Horatio Seymour (1868)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Horace Greeley (1872)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Samuel J. Tilden (1876)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Winfield Scott Hancock (1880)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for James G. Blaine (1884)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Grover Cleveland (1888)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Benjamin Harrison (1892)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for William Jennings Bryan (1892, 1900, and 1908)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Alton B. Parker (1904)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Teddy Roosevelt (1912)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Charles Evans Hughes (1916)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for James M. Cox (1920)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for John W. Davis (1924)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Al Smith (1928)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Herbert Hoover (1932)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Alf Landon (1936)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Wendell Willkie (1940)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Thomas E. Dewey (1944 and 1948)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Adlai Stevenson (1952 and 1956)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Richard Nixon (1960)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Barry Goldwater (1964)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Hubert H. Humphrey (1968)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for…uh, George McGovern…nevermind (1972)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Gerald Ford (1976)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Jimmy Carter (1980)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Walter Mondale (1984)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Michael Dukakis (1988)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for George HW Bush (1992)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Bob Dole…Bob Dole Bob Dole Bob Dole (1996)

Happy America Day 2011: A History of the Hot Dog and Presidents’ Favorite Hot Dog Condiments

July 4, 2011

For the third straight America Day, more popularly known as Independence Day or “July 4th,” LP takes a special look back at the holiday that not only made the United States what it is today, but also represents Americans as a people. So sit back with your mustard-and-relish-slathered hot dog, your homemade charcoal-grilled bacon doublecheeseburger, your ale of choice, and your sixer of antacid, and please enjoy this special America Day list (and a bonus history).

Of course, the most American way to celebrate America Day is with a good, old-fashioned American hot dog, and the presidents from Washington onward recognized this.  Of course, the hot dog itself only became available to the general public in the early 20th century, but its history goes back much, much further than that.

When the Articles of Confederation were ratified in 1781, the following passage was included in them:

Upon a certain passage of Time, those most respeckted [sic] and honourable Senior Members of this Government will have earned the privilege of consuming a special Dish, prepared specifically for…this Nation.

The food was intended as a reward for long-serving elected representatives who had performed their duties admirably and honestly.  Soon after the passage of the Articles, however, it was quickly forgotten, as no one was sure exactly how to implement it.  The government would get as far as naming a Chef General in 1783, but who he was has been lost to history.  His only official creation, though, would be what we know as today as the hot dog.

When the Articles were abandoned for the Constitution in 1787, the passage was dropped due to the predominant thought that it was a joke that was overlooked (many of the delegates at the Constitutional Convention would actually refer to the “Dish Passage” as a metaphor for the Articles of Confederation).  Years later, after the election of Washington, Vice-President Adams was sorting through some papers when he found an original draft of the recipe for the hot dog by the Chef General.  Thinking this the work of President Washington’s personal chef (who was prone to leaving his papers around), Adams sent it to the man.

The chef’s name was Hercules, and surprisingly, he was a very literate slave that Washington had brought with him from Mount Vernon.  Hercules was astounded upon reading the recipe.  While he did not leave a personal diary, Martha Washington did, and historians believe that this was the scene when the chef read the recipe for the first time:

Suddenly, from the Kitchen, I heard a whoop…such as I had never heard before.  I rushed in to find Hercules grasping a Note…and I enquired as to what was the matter.  He responded that nothing was wrong but that the President would soon enjoy a Meal fit for a man of his esteemd [sic] Position.

Hercules prepared the first hot dog using scraps of meat from prior presidential dinners.  Anecdotally, Washington’s first taste of a hot dog was simply outstanding; in stories passed down orally through the governmental chef corps, the president exclaimed his approval of the food and demanded more as he scarfed down the rest of it.  Knowing how good it was, Washington later told Hercules that this meal would be a symbol of the fledgling nation, and as a show of respect for the country, each newly-elected president would dine on an “open-faced Columbia-meat sandwich” (the phrase “hot dog” would come into use with the food’s spread to the common people in the early 20th century).

-George Washington: none (condiments had not yet been discovered, although he preferred his with a nice brandy)
-Thomas Jefferson: a primitive form of ketchup which was more like crushed tomatoes in a tomato juice
-William Henry Harrison: no condiments, no bun
-Zachary Taylor: oddly, liked a fruit spread on a cold hot dog
-Millard Fillmore: didn’t like it, was a dick
-Ulysses S. Grant: mustard, onions, relish, no ketchup
-Grover Cleveland: ketchup, mustard, spicy relish, onions, a pickle, and another mystery relish
-Benjamin Harrison: ketchup, just ketchup
-William Howard Taft: another hot dog
-Calvin Coolidge: none, preferred to let the meat do the talking
-Jimmy Carter: it’s rather obvious–honey
-Ronald Reagan: American condiments
-Bill Clinton: whatever you want, baby, he’s fine with it

Past America Day columns:
Happy America Day 2010: Presidents’ Favorite America Day Pastimes
America Day 2009: This America Day in History

The Various Things Carter Kept in the White House Backyard

July 23, 2010

-Peanut plants
-Vegetable garden
-Salmon bushes
-Billy Carter

Happy America Day 2010: Presidents’ Favorite America Day Pastimes

July 4, 2010

Once again, in honor of America Day, also known as Independence Day or Separation Sunday, LP looks back at those great moments associated with the day. This year, we present the favorite July 4th holiday pastimes of our most-esteemed presidents.

-George Washington: created makeshift pinatas of various British officers and threw Brit-bashing parties
-Thomas Jefferson: bought some property
-Andrew Jackson: in alternating years, he would either duel or invite the entire state of Tennessee to the White House for a party, consistently during which several pillars from the presidential mansion would go missing only to be found in various places around Washington (1829: the Potomac, 1831: O’Malley’s Tavern, 1835: in front of Congress)
-William Henry Harrison: would normally breathe
-Abraham Lincoln: would light fireworks off from his top hat
-Ulysses S. Grant: annually stopped laying siege to Vicksburg (after annually laying siege to Vicksburg a few months before hand)
-James A. Garfield: played some tackle football on the White House lawn, then some baseball, then he’d strap on some blades and play high-contact roller hockey in the White House Roller Hockey Rink (which he had installed), and then finish the day with a best-of-seven street-rules basketball series and a lemonade
-Chester A. Arthur: took a shot and toasted himself
-Theodore Roosevelt: did things so amazingly manly and awesome that to reprint them would be an affront to the Roosevelt estate, and even a mention of such things warrants an apology (those being the circumstances, the letter is in the mail)
-William Howard Taft: shifted in his seat
-Warren G. Harding: went to Toronto one year (it was ok)
-Herbert Hoover: lit his cigar with $100 bills
-Dwight D. Eisenhower: liked to add or take away a star on the flag each year to see if anyone would notice
-Jimmy Carter: celebrated the Fourth the traditional Georgia way, with peanuts and an ATV
-Ronald Reagan: would draw his face on $10 bills
-Bill Clinton: cannot remember

Initials Presidents Have Used to Enter Their High Scores on Pac-Man

April 28, 2010

-Ronald Reagan: RRR
-Dwight Eisenhower: POO
-Jimmy Carter: PNT
-Richard Nixon: CRK
-Bill Clinton: ASS

Unaired Television Shows Inspired by Carter

July 10, 2009

-”Lewis Brown: Afghan Hound”
-”The Peanutist”
-”Jed Goes to Washington”
-”Law and Order: Iran Hostage Crisis”
-”Star Trek: Voyager”

This America Day in History

July 4, 2009

-1776: Many future presidents sign the Declaration of Independence.
-1804: Thomas Jefferson unintentionally changes history when he reveals to Aaron Burr that Alexander Hamilton was the one who sprayed the “Burr’s a douchebag” graffiti on the walls of the Capitol building
-1820: James Monroe accidentally sets Vice President Daniel D. Tompkins’s house on fire with poorly-constructed homemade fireworks. (Monroe would never confess to it, though he always promised Tompkins that he would “find those British tomfoolers who undoubtedly perpetrated the crime…undoubtedly.”)
-1825: John Q. Adams drunkenly calls up the king of England asking, “Baby, can’t we give this thing another try?” before being hung up on. He then cried, vomited, cried into his vomit, and passed out on his couch holding a map of the British Isles and a light beer.
-1829: Andrew Jackson does some crazy shit.
-1830: Andrew Jackson does some crazy shit.
-1831: Andrew Jackson does some crazy shit.
-1832: Andrew Jackson does some crazy shit.
-1833: Andrew Jackson does some crazy shit.
-1834: Andrew Jackson takes a nap because he has a migraine, yet still manages to shoot someone.
-1835: Andrew Jackson does some crazy shit.
-1836: Andrew Jackson does some crazy shit.
-1837: Andrew Jackson does some crazy shit after breaking into the White House to party with Martin Van Buren.
-1856: Franklin Pierce sets the record for most ladies ever brought back to the White House after a night on the town.
-1858: James Buchanan sets the record for most men ever brought back to the White House after a night on the town.
-1869: Ulysses S. Grant has some friends over to celebrate. They end up staying for eight years.
-1882: Chester A. Arthur wonders why the hell he’s president.
-1898: William McKinley, fulfilling a promise to the US Army, shaves his body and eats a bug for winning the Spanish-American War.
-1901 to 1908: Theodore Roosevelt does things that are so awesome, manly, and patriotic, Congress officially changes the name of the day Teddy Roosevelt Is Awesome Day.
-1913: Woodrow Wilson hangs out with some Civil War veterans, hoping to hear extraordinary war stories. He is slightly disappointed when he is told he’s the one that has to give a talk, not the veterans.
-1929: Herbert Hoover renames Teddy Roosevelt Is Awesome Day by signing the the July 4 Name Act. This is widely regarded as the worst thing Hoover did during his administration.
-1934: Franklin Roosevelt tries to distract the nation from the Great Depression by ski-jumping over a shark. For a day, the country rebounds, but the prosperity quickly ends when someone points out he was sitting in a chair the whole time.
-1967: Lyndon Johnson thinks the fireworks outside are getting a little too close to the White House.
-1979: Jimmy Carter is horrifyingly embarrassed by his brother Billy, who insists on drinking heavily. He stops drinking soon after he passes out on the White House lawn. There were hundreds of witnesses, and the Washington Post reported there were “cans of Billy Beer and peanut shells littering the White House lawn for a day and a half, at which point the president’s brother regained consciousness and urinated on a tree.”
-1982: Ronald Reagan watches Star Wars; he doesn’t get it, but he likes the title.
-1990: George H.W. Bush scolds and then grounds VP Dan Quayle for playing fireworks.
-1996: Bill Clinton has a barbecue with all his rowdy friends. Somehow, a slip-and-slide ends up in a tree. This would remain there for the remainder of his presidency.

Presidents who Attempted to Buy the Jack in the Box Franchise in Order to Lessen the Competition for their Own Burger Chain

April 17, 2009

-Richard Nixon*
-Jimmy Carter**

*NOTE: occurred while governor of California; thwarted by vegetarian lobby.
**NOTE: attempted to launch a chain of peanut-based burgers by experimenting in California; idea failed on principle.

Top 5 Things Said about Carter (in General)

February 26, 2009

1. A rabbit? Really?
2. Aw, he’s trying.
3. Well, at least he’s trying.
4. Why is he still trying?
5. Ok, screw it. Let’s give Reagan a try.

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