Presidents who Couldn’t Stand the Heat and thus Got Out of the Kitchen

-Thomas Jefferson
-William Henry Harrison (enjoyed the cold more)
-William Howard Taft (attempted to stand it, but could not)
-Richard Nixon

How to Celebrate Presidents’ Birthdays, Part 1

Washington and Lincoln have their birthdays celebrated in February, but unbeknownst to most Americans is when and how to celebrate the birthdays of the other presidents. This handy list should fit perfectly on refrigerators or taped to calendars.

January 7 – Millard Fillmore: Be a dick to everyone.
January 9 – Richard Nixon: Plant a tree. Or, protect a tree if it’s too cold out.
January 29 – William McKinley: Annex a series of tiny islands.
January 30 – Franklin D. Roosevelt: Do something fun and keep at it.
February 6 – Ronald Reagan: Have a movie marathon. Or sell some weapons to an Iranian.
February 9 – William Henry Harrison: Plan something, but stop doing it way too early.
March 15 – Andrew Jackson: Do what you feel like.
March 16 – James Madison: Confirm the fact that your parents can’t claim you as a dependent anymore by attempting to take control of their shed.
March 18 – Grover Cleveland: Grill the biggest burgers you can find. Do that for lunch, take a break, then do it for dinner as well.
March 29 – John Tyler: Create the circumstances to have a grandchild alive 150 years after your death.
April 13 – Thomas Jefferson: Buy a significant portion of land from the French. Or get to know a black lady.
April 23 – James Buchanan: Pick a fight with some Mormons.
April 27 – Ulysses S. Grant: Spend time with friends.
April 28 – James Monroe: Have some good feelings.
May 8 – Harry S Truman: Do something unexpected of you.
May 29 – John F. Kennedy: Remember the moon.
June 12 – George HW Bush: Note that today is the only presidential birthday in June, find it slightly interesting, and then forget it.
July 4 – Calvin Coolidge: Typical Independence Day fare, just be very quiet about it.

Presidents Who Presided before the Invention of Modern Toilet Paper

Presumably, these presidents never benefitted from modern toilet paper, invented in 1857. Think about it.

-George Washington*
-John Adams*
-Thomas Jefferson*
-James Monroe*
-James Madison*
-John Quincy Adams*
-Andrew Jackson*
-Martin Van Buren
-William Henry Harrison*
-John Tyler
-James K. Polk*
-Zachary Taylor*
-Millard Fillmore
-Franklin Pierce

*died prior to 1857

Don’t Blame Me, I Voted For…

-Don’t blame me, I voted for John Adams (1789 and 1792)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Thomas Jefferson (1796)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Aaron Burr (1800)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Charles Cotesworth Pinckney (1804 and 1808)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for DeWitt Clinton (1812)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Rufus King (1816)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for John Quincy Adams (1820 and 1828)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Andrew Jackson (1824)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Henry Clay (1832 and 1844)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for William Henry Harrison (1836)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Martin van Buren (1840)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Lewis Cass (1848)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Winfield Scott (1852)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for John C. Frémont (1856)
-Good thing I didn’t vote for John C. Breckinridge, John Bell, Stephen Douglas (1860), or George McClellan (1864)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Horatio Seymour (1868)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Horace Greeley (1872)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Samuel J. Tilden (1876)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Winfield Scott Hancock (1880)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for James G. Blaine (1884)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Grover Cleveland (1888)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Benjamin Harrison (1892)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for William Jennings Bryan (1892, 1900, and 1908)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Alton B. Parker (1904)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Teddy Roosevelt (1912)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Charles Evans Hughes (1916)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for James M. Cox (1920)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for John W. Davis (1924)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Al Smith (1928)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Herbert Hoover (1932)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Alf Landon (1936)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Wendell Willkie (1940)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Thomas E. Dewey (1944 and 1948)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Adlai Stevenson (1952 and 1956)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Richard Nixon (1960)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Barry Goldwater (1964)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Hubert H. Humphrey (1968)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for…uh, George McGovern…nevermind (1972)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Gerald Ford (1976)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Jimmy Carter (1980)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Walter Mondale (1984)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Michael Dukakis (1988)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for George HW Bush (1992)
-Don’t blame me, I voted for Bob Dole…Bob Dole Bob Dole Bob Dole (1996)

Happy America Day 2011: A History of the Hot Dog and Presidents’ Favorite Hot Dog Condiments

For the third straight America Day, more popularly known as Independence Day or “July 4th,” LP takes a special look back at the holiday that not only made the United States what it is today, but also represents Americans as a people. So sit back with your mustard-and-relish-slathered hot dog, your homemade charcoal-grilled bacon doublecheeseburger, your ale of choice, and your sixer of antacid, and please enjoy this special America Day list (and a bonus history).

Of course, the most American way to celebrate America Day is with a good, old-fashioned American hot dog, and the presidents from Washington onward recognized this.  Of course, the hot dog itself only became available to the general public in the early 20th century, but its history goes back much, much further than that.

When the Articles of Confederation were ratified in 1781, the following passage was included in them:

Upon a certain passage of Time, those most respeckted [sic] and honourable Senior Members of this Government will have earned the privilege of consuming a special Dish, prepared specifically for…this Nation.

The food was intended as a reward for long-serving elected representatives who had performed their duties admirably and honestly.  Soon after the passage of the Articles, however, it was quickly forgotten, as no one was sure exactly how to implement it.  The government would get as far as naming a Chef General in 1783, but who he was has been lost to history.  His only official creation, though, would be what we know as today as the hot dog.

When the Articles were abandoned for the Constitution in 1787, the passage was dropped due to the predominant thought that it was a joke that was overlooked (many of the delegates at the Constitutional Convention would actually refer to the “Dish Passage” as a metaphor for the Articles of Confederation).  Years later, after the election of Washington, Vice-President Adams was sorting through some papers when he found an original draft of the recipe for the hot dog by the Chef General.  Thinking this the work of President Washington’s personal chef (who was prone to leaving his papers around), Adams sent it to the man.

The chef’s name was Hercules, and surprisingly, he was a very literate slave that Washington had brought with him from Mount Vernon.  Hercules was astounded upon reading the recipe.  While he did not leave a personal diary, Martha Washington did, and historians believe that this was the scene when the chef read the recipe for the first time:

Suddenly, from the Kitchen, I heard a whoop…such as I had never heard before.  I rushed in to find Hercules grasping a Note…and I enquired as to what was the matter.  He responded that nothing was wrong but that the President would soon enjoy a Meal fit for a man of his esteemd [sic] Position.

Hercules prepared the first hot dog using scraps of meat from prior presidential dinners.  Anecdotally, Washington’s first taste of a hot dog was simply outstanding; in stories passed down orally through the governmental chef corps, the president exclaimed his approval of the food and demanded more as he scarfed down the rest of it.  Knowing how good it was, Washington later told Hercules that this meal would be a symbol of the fledgling nation, and as a show of respect for the country, each newly-elected president would dine on an “open-faced Columbia-meat sandwich” (the phrase “hot dog” would come into use with the food’s spread to the common people in the early 20th century).

-George Washington: none (condiments had not yet been discovered, although he preferred his with a nice brandy)
-Thomas Jefferson: a primitive form of ketchup which was more like crushed tomatoes in a tomato juice
-William Henry Harrison: no condiments, no bun
-Zachary Taylor: oddly, liked a fruit spread on a cold hot dog
-Millard Fillmore: didn’t like it, was a dick
-Ulysses S. Grant: mustard, onions, relish, no ketchup
-Grover Cleveland: ketchup, mustard, spicy relish, onions, a pickle, and another mystery relish
-Benjamin Harrison: ketchup, just ketchup
-William Howard Taft: another hot dog
-Calvin Coolidge: none, preferred to let the meat do the talking
-Jimmy Carter: it’s rather obvious–honey
-Ronald Reagan: American condiments
-Bill Clinton: whatever you want, baby, he’s fine with it

Past America Day columns:
Happy America Day 2010: Presidents’ Favorite America Day Pastimes
America Day 2009: This America Day in History

Presidents who Never Existed

-William Henry Taft
-John Fitzy Adams
-Warren G. Hoover
-Dwight Delano Roosenhower
-Zachary Tyler
-John Taylor
-Chester Alan Alda

Happy America Day 2010: Presidents’ Favorite America Day Pastimes

Once again, in honor of America Day, also known as Independence Day or Separation Sunday, LP looks back at those great moments associated with the day. This year, we present the favorite July 4th holiday pastimes of our most-esteemed presidents.

-George Washington: created makeshift pinatas of various British officers and threw Brit-bashing parties
-Thomas Jefferson: bought some property
-Andrew Jackson: in alternating years, he would either duel or invite the entire state of Tennessee to the White House for a party, consistently during which several pillars from the presidential mansion would go missing only to be found in various places around Washington (1829: the Potomac, 1831: O’Malley’s Tavern, 1835: in front of Congress)
-William Henry Harrison: would normally breathe
-Abraham Lincoln: would light fireworks off from his top hat
-Ulysses S. Grant: annually stopped laying siege to Vicksburg (after annually laying siege to Vicksburg a few months before hand)
-James A. Garfield: played some tackle football on the White House lawn, then some baseball, then he’d strap on some blades and play high-contact roller hockey in the White House Roller Hockey Rink (which he had installed), and then finish the day with a best-of-seven street-rules basketball series and a lemonade
-Chester A. Arthur: took a shot and toasted himself
-Theodore Roosevelt: did things so amazingly manly and awesome that to reprint them would be an affront to the Roosevelt estate, and even a mention of such things warrants an apology (those being the circumstances, the letter is in the mail)
-William Howard Taft: shifted in his seat
-Warren G. Harding: went to Toronto one year (it was ok)
-Herbert Hoover: lit his cigar with $100 bills
-Dwight D. Eisenhower: liked to add or take away a star on the flag each year to see if anyone would notice
-Jimmy Carter: celebrated the Fourth the traditional Georgia way, with peanuts and an ATV
-Ronald Reagan: would draw his face on $10 bills
-Bill Clinton: cannot remember

Presidential Rankings Based on Google Search Results

Here’s an interesting bit of information: the following list is how the presidents are ranked based on the number of results returned on Google for the search term “president x” where x equals the president’s first and last name. There are definitely some surprises (11.5 million for John Tyler?) and some not-so-surprises (Lincoln, Washington, Kennedy in the top 10).

Also, these results are just for those presidents no longer living. Clinton’s 25-million+ would have skewed the rankings, and we would not want that. Why? There’s so much more we can do with this information. Check LP tomorrow and see.

(accessed April 12-13, 2010)

1. Abraham Lincoln … 22.8 million
2. George Washington … 22.6 million
3. Thomas Jefferson … 15.7 million
4. Andrew Jackson … 16 million
5. James Madison … 15.8 million
6. Franklin D. Roosevelt … 13.5 million*
7. Andrew Johnson … 13.2 million
8. John F. Kennedy … 13 million**
9. John Tyler … 11.5 million
10. Theodore Roosevelt … 6.72 million***
11. Woodrow Wilson … 5.57 million
12. Dwight D. Eisenhower … 5.4 million
13. Richard Nixon … 4.37 million
14. James Knox Polk … 4.17 million
15. James Monroe … 3.71 million
16. Ronald Reagan … 3.19 million
17. Lyndon Johnson … 2.8 million
18. James Buchanan … 2.37 million
19. John Adams … 2.23 million
20. Benjamin Harrison … 2.17 million
21. Gerald Ford … 2.08 million
22. Herbert Hoover … 2.08 million
23. John Quincy Adams … 2 million
24. Franklin Pierce … 1.96 million
25. Zachary Taylor … 1.52 million
26. William Henry Harrison … 1.46 million
27. James Garfield … 1.37 million
28. William McKinley … 1.3 million
29. Ulysses S. Grant … 1.27 million
30. Grover Cleveland … 1.21 million
31. Harry S Truman … 1.18 million
32. Martin van Buren … 952,000
33. William Howard Taft … 868,000
34. Calvin Coolidge … 864,000
35. Warren G. Harding … 804,000
36. Rutherford B. Hayes … 539,000
37. Chester A. Arthur … 301,000****
38. Millard Fillmore … 254,000

*as Franklin Delano Roosevelt
** as John Kennedy
***as Teddy Roosevelt
****as Chester Arthur

The Presidents and their Missions

With the new book Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter gaining rapid popularity, we take a look at the hidden passions and/or missions of other presidents.

-Andrew Johnson: constantly searched for Lincoln’s gold.
-William Henry Harrison: vowed upon his own life to protect America from the scourge of hamster demons that ran amok during the previous two years (succeeded, but again at the cost of his own life).
-William Howard Taft: enjoyed collecting stamps.
-Theodore Roosevelt: was a passionate badass and loved being so.

William Henry Harrison’s Records

-Fastest sprint speed (8.76 mph), 1796
-Fastest trip down the Mississippi (6 days), 1824
-Fastest luge (1m24s), 1839
-Fastest presidency (30 days), 1841